Valentine’s Day is approaching and being a Romantic Comedy writer creates certain expectations. Specifically, one is expected to be romantic and comedic. Now, the comedic part I have down. Just by virtue of the fact that I have no physical coordination, I’m a veritable walking one-liner. Throw in the fact that I’m socially awkward, and you’ve got plenty of laugh-out-loud moments. Romantic moments, though, not so much. Romance has always been my achilles heel. I’m just not very good at it.
I have made some progress over the years. When I was in my twenties, for example, many guys told me that I was “adorable.” My response was usually, “Bunny rabbits are adorable.” Followed by “Bunny rabbits don’t attend Ivy League universities.” Then I went through a few “Junoesque” years. (I ate my emotions until I got fat enough to float down 5th Ave. on Thanksgiving). Suddenly, being called “adorable” didn’t seem so bad. But after some time in a torture chamber (gym) with Torquemada (a personal trainer) I recovered my girlish figure. Now, when someone tells me I’m “adorable,” I say “thank you.” I think that’s progress.
Despite being somewhat kinder and gentler to gentlemen attempting to compliment me, however, I’m still not good at romance. And it worries me, because now I’m re-entering the dating scene, and I’m several years older. Will people still be willing to overlook my lack of romantic prowess? Let’s face it, when a man writes me poetry, I edit it. When a man gives me flowers, I note how illogical it is to give someone a gift that will be dead in a few days. (Seriously, it’s like giving someone one of those goldfish you win at the fair). When a man takes me out to dinner, I discuss how pollution has made virtually every food available to humans toxic. Will guys continue to overlook how odd I am now that my boobs are much less perky?
Okay, I’m pretty sure I had a point when I started this, although I’m not really clear what it was. I think it had something to do with Valentine’s Day though. Or alcohol. In conclusion, always practice safe sex and remember to vote. Drive safely and have a good night.